Wednesday, 10 February 2021

All Men are my Slaves/The Prime of Miss G Wilson

It’s the ‘70’s and Bamber Gascoigne’s done himself a mischief, recklessly cycling his penny farthing on Oxford’s cobbled backstreets. Later the same day, Paul’s speaking loudly on the telephone in his extra posh voice, whilst Gaynor’s crashed out on the sofa. ‘I’m sure she’ll love to present the show!’ he laughs with gay abandon. ‘Her education??’ he says glancing at the snoring girl. ‘Oxford AND Cambridge!’ he says boldly, ‘That’s right! Both universities! She studied the Classics and some other stuff AND Harvard too! Yeah for her PHD!! Ok see you next Tuesday then!’ and he returns the receiver to it’s cradle, looking pleased as Punch! ‘Right!’ he announces, ‘You’ve a gig Gaynor! On University Challenge!!’ and he sings the famous theme tune, much to her annoyance. Later that week, on the train to the studio, Gaynor lights a Park Drive and over the top of her reading glasses suggests, ‘These questions are bleeding hard Paul!! Some of them don’t even make sense and I can’t even pronounce some of these ruddy names!!’ and she laughs a little nervously. ‘Don’t worry’ chuckles Paul, ‘No bugger knows the answers!! The whole nation scratches its head when Bamber’s on the box! You’ll be fine, you’ll bring a new sense of style to the show!’ he beams, in full on bullshit mode. However during the quiz, Gaynor decides to omit the questions she’s unsure of and substitute her own ‘starters for 10’! The topics range from Keith Chegwin’s sex life, to Harry H Corbett’s nude sunbathing and Kiki Dee’s breast enhancements. The stuffed shirts at the Beeb initially go apeshit!! How dare this interloper reduce the most highbrow show on TV, to the knuckle scraping level of its average viewer!! However when the ratings are received, the figures even exceed those of ‘The Sky at Night!’ which is a triumph for the Corporation, breaking all previous records for the show! There’s talk of Gaynor becoming the permanent host of the show, but following a lucrative offer from ITV, she temporarily becomes the face of ‘Sale of the Century,’ ‘Live from Norwich!!’