Tuesday, 8 December 2020

All Men are my Slaves/ The Prime of Miss G Wilson

Gaynor’s nipped into Kwik Save for Park Drive. As she turns into the crisps and nuts aisle, there’s fossilised, philandering, nympho, old Mrs Dixon. The nasty old bag has dropped some cash and is scurrying around before those bloody thieving kids get it! Gaynor can’t resist such an opportunity and with a quick run up and a crooked smile, let’s fly with a highly polished Dr Marten, right up Dixon’s chocolate starfish!! Dixon slides at least ten feet on the vinyl floor. Screaming retaliatory threats and swearing as she collects herself. However, when she stands, her face suddenly changes! ‘Oh my God!! You’ve fixed my back!! she cries with joy. ‘You’ve ruddy fixed my FECKING BACK!!!’ and she casts her walking stick away and skips off like a spring lamb, full of it!! Over the next few days, several old codgers call asking to speak to the ‘Dr Marten’s Lady’. If Gaynor’s not too hungover, she replicates the booting she gave Dixon, though obviously at their own risk! Soon there’s interest from the local press and a letter from a nearby chiropractor, with a dwindling clientele! Quickly Gaynor becomes known as ‘the Healer’ and folks far and wide with all manner of complaints, come for a kicking and to drink tea. A bit like a visit to Lourdes! Even old Mrs Dixon cashes in, with her guided tour how ‘the Healer’ cured her. At the Bishop’s house, several high ranking Church bods, attempt to find a divine connection to Gaynor’s new found powers. After all, if there’s anyone who can’t afford to miss a trick, it’s them! If only she attended Church! Everything at Paul’s house is now sponsored, by either Park Drive or Dr Martens and several hedge funds are keen to buy into the Healer brand. Only Gaynor, an experienced veteran of fame, plays it cool. She knows the red top vermin are courting everyone! They’ve even offered to serialise Paul’s biography of her! How desperate’s that! What surprises her most, is it takes the local vicar two weeks to set up in competition! However he’s quickly arrested for threatening behaviour towards several old biddies. One lady describing his offer to give her a kicking, almost as offensive as his breath!