Monday, 5 October 2020

All Men are my Slaves/ The Prime of Miss G Wilson

Paul wakes one day to the harsh reality he’s become Gaynor’s slave. The more he studies his dilemma, the more he realises he isn’t alone in his indenture. Seemingly a whole army of souls have been seduced by her white witchcraft, rendering them keen to fetch and carry on her behalf and then bugger off without question, upon her request. Eager to learn of her sorcery, he adjourns to the library to read up on her never ending lucky streak. Why is it she’s never without a Park Drive? A pint of strong continental fighting lager? A Greggs steak bake, or front row seats to the long awaited Led Zeppelin and Kiki Dee reunion show? The reference books however reveal nothing new and he returns home rather crestfallen none the wiser. There he finds big Dave the Blacksmith hanging out Gaynor’s washing, whilst fit Kevin from Kwik Fit runs to Allan’s newsagents, to collect Gaynor’s Racing Post and 10 tabs. He questions both big Dave and fit Kevin individually, but neither seem aware they are apprenticed to a magic so ancient, it seemingly defies the logics of Mother Nature. Paul jokingly mentions to Gaynor her mysterious abilities, but as usual she reasons, ‘Don’t be a dick!!! I’m just a normal girl! You really need to stop reading those bleeding Harry Potter books before bedtime!!’ Then she gestures to Paul to clear off whilst Terry the hod carrier finishes painting her toenails. It’s whilst Paul’s still in the earshot of Gaynor and Terry, over the noise of the telly he hears Gaynor say, ‘McGladdery’s becoming an issue, I need you and Dave to sort him out.’ Paul can’t be sure, he’s too busy panicking, but did Terry reply ‘Yes Mistress!!’