Tuesday, 8 September 2020

All Men are my Slaves/The Prime of Miss G Wilson

Paul’s played cricket for the village first 11 for years. His batting position is tenth, just before the guy in the wheelchair! He’s also the club treasurer and often walks home carrying hundreds in bar receipts. There’s never any bother, sometimes he’ll change his route as recommended by the local dibble, but c’mon, it’s only a hop, skip and jump to his front door. Fast forward to the night of Terry the hod carrier’s 30th. The club house was packed! Gaynor and Pixie Lott had dressed up as policewomen and proceeded to handcuff Terry to the bar ‘to take down his particulars’ etc. Anyway, what a night!! Paul was still chuckling to himself, when a masked figure coolly steps from the alleyway. ‘Give me the fecking money old man!!! demands the robber menacingly, ‘Nowww!!!’ Paul a little shaken, studies his assailant momentarily. ‘Is that you......vicar?’ he ventures, as the unmistakable pong of stale booze and Park Drive wafts towards him. ‘Bleeding Hell!!’ exclaims the vicar removing his disguise, ‘I told you it wouldn’t work!’ and the Bishop and Church Warden trail out of the shadows behind him. ‘Pauly’ smiles the Bishop rushing forward to explain. ‘I’m sooo sorry you had to be involved! It should have been another simple job. No one gets hurt, you’d claim on the insurance, simples!’ ‘So.....you do this regularly Bishop?’ queries a shocked Paul, suddenly reminded of similar misdemeanours in the village. ‘Times are hard,’ says the Bishop with a serious tone. ‘I plan these jobs so there’s only one victim and that’s the insurance companies! Think of us as a modern day Robin Hood!!!’ he adds brightly, hoping to appeal to Paul’s sense of justice. ‘I suppose the question is now, are you going to turn us over to the filth?’ Suddenly, a very drunk Gaynor and Pixie stagger into the street, killing themselves laughing attempting to scoff kebabs! ‘Excuse me officers’ Paul shouts to the girls still in their fancy dress, ‘I’d like to report an attempted robbery.’ ‘Off with their pigging HEADS!!’ yells Gaynor jumping on Pixie’s back and chasing the Bishop down the street shouting ‘Nee Naw! Nee Naw! Nee Naw!