Wednesday, 27 November 2019

The Publicity Stunts - Episode 86

You’ll recall Skinner & T’witch have arrived in the village and Gaynor’s escorting a mega excited Pixie Lott to a tarot reading with Madame Sandra T’witch. When the girls arrive at Paul’s house, Sandra’s in the middle of the street, squaring up to old Mrs Dixon the fishmonger. Dixo’s peed off because Sandra’s battered caravan is blocking the rear entrance to the shop, ‘I don’t care if you put a curse on me, you stinky old witch’ yells old Mrs Dixon, ‘I’ll stick your clothes pegs up your arse, if you don’t shift that wreck’ and off she scuttles to find reinforcements. ‘Sandra!!!’ shouts Gaynor from the end of the street, killing herself laughing because just for once, it’s not her that’s causing ‘a scene’. Fifteen minutes later, the introductions are made and the three ladies are sat round the table of the tiny caravan. Outside the sound of Skinner’s Spanish guitar fills the air, whilst an envious Ed Sheeran watches on for tips on tuning. ‘Choose three cards darling’ croons Sandra to Pixie, spreading the Tarot deck face down across the table. ‘Oh you’re such a beautiful girl, isn’t she Gaynor?’ Sandra glances across the table and Gaynor nods back whilst opening three bottles of blue WKD and lighting the same number Park Drive. ‘Remember sweetheart’ Sandra says reassuringly, taking a cigarette from Gaynor, ‘If you choose the death card, it can mean a new beginning for you, so don’t worry if that’s amongst them, my love.’ Pixie hands her cards to Sandra and giddily laughs to Gaynor, ‘Shit like init, I’ve not been this nervous in like forever init.’ Sandra slowly turns each card and places them on the formica table top. ‘WAIT!’ shouts Sandra suddenly, ‘who is that man!!’ she points behind them. Gaynor and Pixie spin round to see the local vicar with his nose pressed up against the caravan window. ‘It’s only the vicar’ says Gaynor, ‘he can smell a fag from miles away.’ She hands him a fag and tells him to do one. ‘Right’ says Sandra.