Monday, 17 June 2019

The Publicity Stunts - Episode 78

You’ll recall, old Mrs Dixon’s fish shop is the final hurdle preventing Ed Sheeran building his theme park on the high street. Paul’s made himself unpopular with Ed, by dragging Mrs Dixon away from his glossy sale’s pitch, just as she looked ready to sign her property over to him. Gaynor however, remains very popular with Ed, despite spurning his advances in Nando’s a while ago, but that’s a different tale for another time. When we left the scene, old Mrs Dixon had vanished from the fish shop and Paul’s led Gaynor and Pixie Lott towards the coal yard, owned by Mrs Dixon’s on / off shag Jack, where he thinks she’s taken refuge. As they reach the gates, Jack’s stood guard brandishing a garden fork sentry style. ‘No chance’ snarls Jack when he sees them approach, ‘you three can just turn around and sod off home right now.’ ‘So is like old Mrs Dixon here init?’ questions Pixie, attempting to disarm Jack with her beautiful smile. As Pixie diverts Jack with her lady charm notched up to 10, Gaynor and Paul backtrack just out of sight. Gaynor stands on Paul’s back scrambling to the top of the high perimeter fence. There, with her famous Kestrel like vision, she can make out Mrs Dixon bound and gagged in the office. The team regroup to share their intelligence, Pixie says ‘Jack’s barking init’ she giggles, ‘he said like, there’s no way ‘that dickhead Sheeran,’ she impersonates Jack, ‘is like knocking the town down init, to build ‘a sodding funfair’ like’ she pauses to laugh, ‘the unbelievable bit like, he’s keeping Old Mrs Dixon prisoner init, until she comes to her senses like init.’ ‘Hmmm,’ thinks Paul aloud, ‘I think just for once, Jack and I see eye to eye. Nobody’s getting passed him, the town is safe. They all cheerily wave to Ed who’s briskly walking the other way towards the coal yard carrying an expensive bouquet. ‘For me Ed??’ shouts Gaynor flirtatiously after him.