Wednesday, 8 May 2019

The Publicity Stunts - Episode 68

It’s teatime and there’s a full house busy discussing the events of the day. The din however soon drops to a whisper, when Paul mentions the laugh he’s had with the Bishop, about the mad idea of growing dope in the Church! ‘Which one of you thought of that’ he laughs, ‘it’s brilliant!’ and disappears into the kitchen. Ed Sheeran quickly makes an excuse and leaves the house, scowling at the vicar over his breach of trust. Later the vicar has to go to the Church to chair the Parochial Church Council meeting. Fearing for his safety, he asks Gaynor if she’ll accompany him on the promise of a pint and 10 Park Drive. When they reach the Church, Ed and his associate LJ are sat on the boundary wall, menacingly watching as the vicar hurries inside. He says he’ll call Gaynor when he’s done, so she can escort him home. After the meeting the vicar soon finds he’s the last person left in the building. He reaches for his cell phone but as usual, it only has 3% charge. He calls Gaynor’s number whilst thinking ‘when has Gaynor EVER answered the phone?’ True to form, it rings to voicemail and then the battery dies. The vicar creeps through the vestry towards the rear entrance, there he can hear old Mrs Dixon who’s just left the meeting, asking Sheeran if he has a girlfriend? Meanwhile at the front of the church he can hear the tinny rap music that constantly drones from LJ’s phone. ‘So, this is how it ends?’ he dramatically asks the stained glass image of Christ on the cross. Outside though, there’s a scuffle going on and when the vestry door bursts open, the last thing the vicar expects to see is Sheeran being restrained by big Dave the Blacksmith and seconds later, Terry the Hod Carrier manhandling LJ. Gaynor strides in behind them, ‘Now then children’, she smiles, ‘Jesus wants us all to play nice, no one’s getting battered tonight.’