Friday, 21 December 2018

The Publicity Stunts - Episode 55

Pixie Lott’s been in a meeting with her management today and she’s brought home the new ‘Pixie Lott’ doll to show the others. ‘It’s a bit small for what I’d like to use it for’ laughs the local vicar, ‘will there be a full size version with real hair and gripping hands?’ he asks. ‘With a widge your size,’ chips in Gaynor, who’s been asleep on the sofa most of the day, ‘she’ll also need Action Man’s eagle eyes.’ ‘Yuk!!!!’ retaliates Pixie, ‘c’mon guys like, this is a dolly for the girlies init.’ ‘Hmmmm’ says the vicar thinking aloud, ‘imagine the features on a Gaynor doll, in one hand she’d have a Park Drive and in the other a branded bottle or can of whichever booze company paid the most for the deal.’ ‘If you pressed her tummy’ laughs Ed Sheeran, trying to tune his guitar in the corner, ‘she’d either, exhale fag smoke or belch the National Anthem.’ ‘And, and, and’ the vicar excitedly says, ‘if you pulled a cord on her back, she’d say her usual catch phrases, ‘Shut it dickhead!’ he mimics in her growling tone. ‘They’d have to use the voice of Elsie Tanner from Coronation Street to get her sounding just right’ adds Ed. ‘By ‘eck, our Dennis ‘as nicked two bob from me purse’ he impersonates, trying to sound northern with his ‘darn sarf’ whine. In the background however, neither of the boys has noticed the shadow of a vengeful Gaynor, silently and menacingly extending to her full fighting height of 5’ 2’’.