Thursday, 6 December 2018

The Publicity Stunts - Episode 51

Old Mrs Dixon who runs the village hall, bumps into Paul whilst he’s stacking shelves at Kwik Save one day. ‘I’m glad I’ve seen you’, she smiles ‘I’ve a favour to ask.’ It transpires she wants Paul to play Father Christmas at the children’s Christmas party this year, ‘You’re the only person we could think of with the correct physique’ she says, gently patting his tummy in fun. Whilst Paul’s aware his best years are already behind him, he’d sort of hoped he’d retained just a splinter of the edge and swagger of his youth. When he gets home, he spends a vain half hour looking in the mirror, desperately seeking the dangerously handsome young man, the errant swain of yesteryear, but he’s gone, packed up and fucked off to fat camp. He tells Gaynor of the gig he’s landed and asks if she’d like to be an Elf? ‘Yeh, if Pixie can be one too’ she nods at Pixie Lott who’s asleep on the sofa. ‘A one handed Santa?????’ scoffs the local vicar, who’s cutting his long discoloured toenails with Paul’s kitchen scissors, ‘Is this more government cuts?’ he sneers. ‘It’s making best and making do’ Paul replies with a smile, ‘Similar to your Nativity Play last year, when the kindergarten had the puking and pooing bug. You only had two wise men and Mary was a single mum.’ ‘Yuk, don’t remind me of those nasty germ ridden brats’ he shudders, thinking of the new school year only moments away.