Monday, 5 November 2018

The Publicity Stunts - Episode 32

One night when the local vicar’s locking up the church hall after line dancing class, he’s confronted by LJ, Ed Sheeran’s associate, waiting for him. ‘Vicar, I need to speak to someone init, I’ve done some pretty bad things like.’ ‘Sorry son’ says the vicar closing the door briskly, ‘it’s the Catholics you need if you’re feeling guilty, St Ted’s is a mile that way, between the massage parlour and Dixie Chicken.’ LJ grabs the vicar, pushes him up against the door and whispers in a desperate tone, ‘Vicar, I need to speak in confidence init, look I can pay you like!’ He pulls a couple of £50 notes from his pocket and pushes them into the vicar’s hand. ‘Why didn’t you say!’ smiles the vicar, ‘come in, would you like a glass of communion wine, it’s a fruity little number from B & M Bargains.’ The next day, Gaynor and the vicar are at BetFreds, the one on the high street. Gaynor’s eyes nearly pop out of her head when the vicar places a crisp £50 note on the counter and backs the biggest donkey running in the 3:15 at York. ‘Where did you get that fifty from!!’ Gaynor almost shouts in a very high voice. ‘Oh aye!!’ says the vicar in surprise, suddenly remembering, ‘Shit! Have I got some juicy gossip for you!!’ ‘C’mon, the drinks are on me.’