Tuesday, 28 August 2018
The Attention Seekers - Episode 93 - our faves - buy the book
It’s Sunday and the local vicar’s just finished morning service. He’s desperate for a drink, but he’s skint and now he’s no longer trusted to look after the collection money, he’ll just have to see if Mike at the Dog & Gun will extend his credit. He looks skyward and mutters ‘Apparently, you’ll provide???’ At the back of the Church, as the modest congregation files out, he clocks Ed Sheeran and one of his associates sat in the last pew, again the vicar looks skyward and winks. Ed and his associate who he introduces as just ‘LJ’ want to rent some space from the Church, in particular the two small rooms leading to the bell tower. LJ leads the enquiries, is there power in these rooms? Are the locks on the doors? How often is the bell tower used? The vicar makes all the right replies and thinks those rooms must be worth at least £12.00 a week, just for storage right? However, when LJ pulls out a roll of £50.00 notes and counts out a down payment of £500, the vicar hesitates and stutters ‘eeerrrr, what exactly’s going on???’ LJ looks at Ed through his expensive shades and says ‘Is he cool like init?’ Ed nods so LJ pulls the vicar in close and continues in a low serious tone, ‘Look this five tonne, buys your silence like and your discretion init? The vicar nods, ‘And if you behave like and keep this our secret’ LJ continues, ‘there’s plenty more, init?’ ‘Init..er, I mean yes’ replies the vicar smiling. ‘All you need to know’ says LJ tightening his grip on the vicar and reducing his voice to a whisper, ‘is we’re growing in these rooms init.’ 30 minutes later the vicars in the Dog & Gun with Gaynor and Pixie Lott, ‘So he said to me, we’re growing in these rooms????’ ‘Growing what?’ says Gaynor in a loud voice over the bustle of the crowded bar, whilst gesticulating to Mike, another round of pints and shots, then pointing to the vicar’s cash he’s laid out on the bar. ‘Dunno, who cares..’ laughs the vicar, making his £50 notes into a fan shape and looking demurely over the top at the girls, before killing himself laughing.