Our new single ‘Beans on Toast’ is available electronically on 17th January!
Monday, 14 January 2019
Wilson McGladdery - Gaynor Wilson is a singer songwriter who plays both violin and piano, although she is best known as a singer with a powerful stage presence that commands the full attention of her audience. Gaynor especially enjoys the freedom of acoustic singing and the intimate audiences found in acoustic and folk clubs, where the potency of her performance is witnessed to its full effect. Paul McGladdery is a singer songwriter and guitarist, known for his prolific songwriting encompassing a variety of styles and influences from folk to country to classic pop. Primarily, Paul loves to write a ballad, and he enjoys a cruel sense of humour that regularly translates into his lyrics.
Wednesday, 9 January 2019
Gaynor’s been ill all week, though it hasn’t stopped her from wolfing down the fish fingers and chips Paul made for lunch, or adjourning to her sun lounger in the afternoons to top up her tan. Paul’s concerned there maybe some other underlying issue, why she’s not going to school this week. He’s ruled out bullying, Gaynor’s been cock of the school for a number of years now; she even took on two of the sports teachers last year in a staff v pupils wrestling friendly and battered them both. Perhaps it’s the fear of entering the big wide world of employment later this year? She’s had several Saturday jobs, the joke shop which was really a front for the sale of ‘marital aids’ and Tesco’s, where her Park Drive accidentally set off the sprinklers in the warehouse and ruined 200 boxes of Pop Tarts. ‘Gaynor, is there anything troubling you that you’d like to share?’ asks Paul, thinking the direct approach is best. ‘Yes, you’re stood in my sun’ says Gaynor pointing at the large shadow Paul’s cast, ‘I’ve no fags’ she continues ‘and are you wearing that shirt for a wager? It’s hurting my pigging eyes.’ Paul retreats to the house, whatever it is that’s bothering her, it’s best she works it out on her own he thinks.
Tuesday, 8 January 2019
About once a month, Paul will hold a wet tea towel over his mouth and nose, take a deep breath and fight his way into the rubbish strewn bedroom shared by the local vicar and Ed Sheeran. The smell alone would kill an elephant and Paul rushes to the window and opens both the top and bottom sashes to expel the awful pong. His mission is not to tidy the room, if the boys choose to live in a manner resembling the more salubrious areas of Mumbai, then so be it! He’s here to collect the plates, cups and glasses that have gravitated here and dispose of anything that may develop into a health hazard. Like rotting unfinished takeaway etc. After a quick count up he’s collected say half of the missing crockery. Ed and the vicar’s room is a disgusting mess, however this is just the warm up for the main event. Tomorrow he’ll tackle the gargantuan city sized dump that’s Gaynor and Pixie Lott’s room.
Monday, 7 January 2019
Pixie Lott’s cribbed a lot from Gaynor over the last few months, not that Gaynor minds, she sees Pixie as her slightly younger sister these days. Pixie’s latest homage, is copying Gaynor’s smoking style and she’s practising with a Park Drive in the front room. Paul who’s spectating from the sofa says, ‘Thats not quite right Pixie, think more Clint Eastwood’s cigarillo. It needs to be wedged firmly in the side of the mouth, then you must squint at the horizon and look like you’ve lost a tenner, that’s Gaynor!’ The local vicar laughs at Pixie’s attempts at Gaynor’s mean girl look, ‘Pixie do you know who Clint Eastwood is?’ he enquires. ‘Course like’ replies Pixie, ‘he’s that fella in the Inspiral Carpets init, with the haircut and the keyboard like.’ The vicar laughs. ‘Lend me a fag darling and I’ll show you the perfect Gaynor smoking pose.’ ‘Yeh Yeh’ replies Pixie instinctively. ‘Now THAT brush off, was perfect Gaynor’ smiles Paul.
Friday, 4 January 2019
Gaynor and Paul are sat outside the Dog and Gun, each nursing a half pint of pale ale. They’re here to watch the scrap between old Mrs Dixon the fishmonger and her on / off boyfriend, Jack the coal man. The argument between the couple brews for days and days and becomes so intense, that the final showdown has become the stuff of legend, a finale that no one wants to miss. Following earlier skirmishes between the couple, there are already discrete gatherings of villagers in conspicuous locations to the fish shop, waiting for Mrs Dixon to blow her stack. ‘She’s a very jealous women’ suggests Paul, ‘if another woman even so much as looks at Jack, she goes off on one’ he says. ‘Well, Jack’s such a fine catch!’ laughs Gaynor sarcastically, unfortunately just within the earshot of Old Mrs Dixon who’s passing by. ‘What you say about my Jack? she says sharply, glaring at Gaynor. ‘I was just saying’ says Gaynor, casually pushing back her chair and standing up slowly, ‘Jack’s 100% fit and he can do miles better than YOU!’ Paul rolls his eyes and mutters ‘Oh Christ!’ as the surrounding congregation of gawpers gather round excited, at the prospect of this unscheduled bout. Maybe it’s Gaynor’s reputation as a doorman at ‘Snoggers’ nightclub that precedes her, but Mrs Dixon backs off threatening, ‘Not today lady, but soon, watch your step.’ ‘Anytime’ smiles Gaynor lighting a fresh Park Drive.
Thursday, 3 January 2019
It’s those seconds before teatime, when everyone’s sat around the table waiting for Paul to serve up the grub. ‘Everyone, what’s your favourite song? Let’s go round the table’ says Ed Sheeran, like an over zealous youth worker. ‘Gaynor, you go first?’ he suggests. Gaynor breaks off her conversation with Pixie Lott momentarily and says ‘’Remember you’re a Womble’’ with a deadpan delivery and then looks away to resume her chat. ‘Oh yes, the 1970’s TV show’ laughs Sheeran, ‘Vicar, what about you? ‘Yeah, the Wombles were massive’ smiles the local vicar, catching Gaynor’s eye, ‘so probably, ‘Wombling Free’ for me!’ Just the mention of the song causes Gaynor and the vicar to duet ‘Underground, overground, Wombling Free......’ Paul who’s known for his pitch perfect harmonies, jumps on the bridge ‘Uuuuuncle Bulgaria’, as he places rag pudding and chips in front of Gaynor. Pixie looks on bewildered, being far too young to remember the Wombles phenomenon. However, under the table, the ever savvy Sheeran emails his management, ‘contact Mike Batt, regarding possible collaboration.’
Wednesday, 2 January 2019
The local vicar paid dearly for this photograph. Only moments before it was taken, he’d ran up to Gaynor breathless, telling her he’d seen Terry the Hod Carrier coming one way and Big David the Blacksmith the other! Being keen to avoid both of ‘those lovesick pillocks’, Gaynor glanced over the bridge and saw only a modest drop to freedom! Whilst Paul did his best to talk her out of it, she told him to give her a leg up sharpish and was going through with the jump when the vicar weakly mumbled, ‘only joking’ with a pathetic smile. She must have chased him half a mile before she caught him, the heels slowing her down. When Paul passed them 20 minutes later or so, the vicar was tied to a park bench with tape from nearby roadworks, with one of his socks shoved in his mouth. Gaynor was menacingly circling him like a scene from ‘Reservoir Dogs’ muttering threats and gesticulating. Paul gave them both a wave and went home to put tea on.
Friday, 21 December 2018
Pixie Lott’s been in a meeting with her management today and she’s brought home the new ‘Pixie Lott’ doll to show the others. ‘It’s a bit small for what I’d like to use it for’ laughs the local vicar, ‘will there be a full size version with real hair and gripping hands?’ he asks. ‘With a widge your size,’ chips in Gaynor, who’s been asleep on the sofa most of the day, ‘she’ll also need Action Man’s eagle eyes.’ ‘Yuk!!!!’ retaliates Pixie, ‘c’mon guys like, this is a dolly for the girlies init.’ ‘Hmmmm’ says the vicar thinking aloud, ‘imagine the features on a Gaynor doll, in one hand she’d have a Park Drive and in the other a branded bottle or can of whichever booze company paid the most for the deal.’ ‘If you pressed her tummy’ laughs Ed Sheeran, trying to tune his guitar in the corner, ‘she’d either, exhale fag smoke or belch the National Anthem.’ ‘And, and, and’ the vicar excitedly says, ‘if you pulled a cord on her back, she’d say her usual catch phrases, ‘Shut it dickhead!’ he mimics in her growling tone. ‘They’d have to use the voice of Elsie Tanner from Coronation Street to get her sounding just right’ adds Ed. ‘By ‘eck, our Dennis ‘as nicked two bob from me purse’ he impersonates, trying to sound northern with his ‘darn sarf’ whine. In the background however, neither of the boys has noticed the shadow of a vengeful Gaynor, silently and menacingly extending to her full fighting height of 5’ 2’’.
Monday, 17 December 2018
The local vicar’s piles have been flaring up these last few weeks and the level of discomfort he’s suffered, it’s almost enough to make him want to go and see a doctor. However, his mother always warned him to stay away from the surgery, ‘Once they get you in those hospitals’ she said, ‘you’re never coming out alive, the old remedies are the best.’ 'Shit, was your mother like a witch init?’ asks Pixie Lott, when she sees the vicar thumbing through his mum’s ancient notes on herbal remedies. ‘Don’t be absurd!’ replies the vicar sharply, ‘She just believed that nature can cure its own aliments.’ Seeing an opportunity to extract the Michael a little more, Gaynor pipes up ‘Was she a Druid then or what? ‘Yeah, yeah Gaynor’ replies the vicar rolling his eyes, ‘Mummy was the Head Druid, she met the other druids every Tuesday night above the Co-op. They’d drink tea and chat about knitting patterns before they sacrificed a virgin and drank the blood!! For Christ’s sake.’ After the laughter dies down, Gaynor stubbing out her Park Drive asks, ‘So what does Mater recommend for your Farmer Giles then.' ‘Errrrr, Witch Hazel’ replies the vicar reluctantly, knowing this answer lights the blue touch paper to commence round 2 of their crappy gags! ‘So, you have to see a witch called Hazel init?’ asks Pixie innocently.