Tuesday, 8 September 2020
Paul’s played cricket for the village first 11 for years. His batting position is tenth, just before the guy in the wheelchair! He’s also the club treasurer and often walks home carrying hundreds in bar receipts. There’s never any bother, sometimes he’ll change his route as recommended by the local dibble, but c’mon, it’s only a hop, skip and jump to his front door. Fast forward to the night of Terry the hod carrier’s 30th. The club house was packed! Gaynor and Pixie Lott had dressed up as policewomen and proceeded to handcuff Terry to the bar ‘to take down his particulars’ etc. Anyway, what a night!! Paul was still chuckling to himself, when a masked figure coolly steps from the alleyway. ‘Give me the fecking money old man!!! demands the robber menacingly, ‘Nowww!!!’ Paul a little shaken, studies his assailant momentarily. ‘Is that you......vicar?’ he ventures, as the unmistakable pong of stale booze and Park Drive wafts towards him. ‘Bleeding Hell!!’ exclaims the vicar removing his disguise, ‘I told you it wouldn’t work!’ and the Bishop and Church Warden trail out of the shadows behind him. ‘Pauly’ smiles the Bishop rushing forward to explain. ‘I’m sooo sorry you had to be involved! It should have been another simple job. No one gets hurt, you’d claim on the insurance, simples!’ ‘So.....you do this regularly Bishop?’ queries a shocked Paul, suddenly reminded of similar misdemeanours in the village. ‘Times are hard,’ says the Bishop with a serious tone. ‘I plan these jobs so there’s only one victim and that’s the insurance companies! Think of us as a modern day Robin Hood!!!’ he adds brightly, hoping to appeal to Paul’s sense of justice. ‘I suppose the question is now, are you going to turn us over to the filth?’ Suddenly, a very drunk Gaynor and Pixie stagger into the street, killing themselves laughing attempting to scoff kebabs! ‘Excuse me officers’ Paul shouts to the girls still in their fancy dress, ‘I’d like to report an attempted robbery.’ ‘Off with their pigging HEADS!!’ yells Gaynor jumping on Pixie’s back and chasing the Bishop down the street shouting ‘Nee Naw! Nee Naw! Nee Naw!
Thursday, 30 July 2020
It’s the year of our Lord 1599 and our heroes, Wilson McGladdery have arrived in Stratford Upon Avon, to play at ye olde folky festival. It’s not long before they run into their old mate, Billy Shakespeare, who’s lashed up and making a nuisance of himself. It transpires Billy’s out celebrating finishing his new play, ‘Henry V’. ‘Forsooth Gaynor’ slurs Shakespeare, ‘this play’s the dog’s testicles, the true story of the old king set against the unbridled carnage of the bloody Battle of Agincourt.’ ‘Yeh yeh’ replies Gaynor removing Billy’s hand from her knee, ‘my family served in the court of King Harry, I can tell you the true story of Agincourt if you like,’ and she takes a drag on her clay pipe. ‘Please do fair lady,’ laughs Billy, ‘though my Henry will be seen as the definitive text on the subject by future generations without a doubt’. ’Ok’ says Gaynor, gesturing to Paul at the bar that her flagon needs replenishing, ‘I have it on good authority Billy, that the Battle of Agincourt never happened!’ ‘What???’ replies Shakespeare perplexed, ‘what do you mean, never happened?? Thousands died!!’ ‘The truth is, it was all a marketing ploy by King Harry’ says Gaynor. ‘The king had a shed load of long bows in the armoury and a mountain of debt to pay off, yeah?’ ‘So’ she says, relighting her pipe, ‘he concocts a story of a 100 years war with our oldest and most despised enemy the French and then spins a yarn about a great battle, where he’s outnumbered three to one and certain death is on the cards,’ and she dramatically drags a finger across her throat. ’Until........’ she springs to life, ‘up pops the miracle long bow, hardly a new innovation eh?’ she laughs, ‘but on that fateful day in the hands of the English archer, it becomes the most desirable and sexiest killing machine on the planet and hey presto! You can buy the genuine article directly from the armoury!! Thus easing the national debt!’ ‘Nonsense!’ explodes Shakespeare, ‘a more spurious tale, I have yet to hear! Is this true??’ Shakespeare demands of Paul has he places fresh drinks on the table. ‘Oh yes’ smiles Paul, ‘Gaynor, do tell Billy about King Dickie the Turd at Bosworth Field! He survived y’know and ran a pet shop incognito for yearS!
Tuesday, 17 September 2019
During those first cold weeks of Autumn, Paul and JK Rowling become friends. They meet in the Dog & Gun regularly and chat about their love of books and music and there’s never enough time. Gaynor keeps a watchful eye out and if she’s not too drunk by the time Paul gets home to make her tea, she’ll scold him with warnings not to tell her too much! ‘If you’re not careful, Daniel bloody Radcliffe will be acting out your life story as an eleven year old wizard’ she cautions, lighting a Park Drive. The local vicar feels he’s missed his chance with Joanne. He initially thought he’d scored, she complimented the fragrance of his High Karate and seemed delighted with his story of mixing cocktails using leftover aftershaves. However, he thought she was too quick to decline his offer to mix up a Long Island Iced Tea using Paco Rabanne. She seemed keen to get away and speak to gatecrashers old Mrs Dixon the fishmonger and her on / off titbit, Jack the coal man. ‘’Paco’ only makes you cough a little,’ the vicar called after her reassuringly. Gaynor and Joanne have said little to each other since being thrown together again, perhaps they’re both keen to let the past lie in it’s dusty grave. However whenever’s Paul’s out of earshot, Gaynor will mimic him ‘Joanne said this, Joanne said that’ to Pixie Lott and roll her eyes.
Tuesday, 27 August 2019
Ed Sheeran and his gangland associate LJ, are hanging out in the office at Ed’s tanning shop, ‘Tanfastic’. LJ says ‘Y’know Boss, I reckon there’s nobody like I can’t batter in the village innit,’ ‘Really?’ replies Sheeran putting down his paperback with interest, ‘What about Jack the coal man? He’s a psycho with a couple of ‘Don Revie’s’ inside him and he did batter us BOTH at Jet Wash Jim’s the other week,’ he recalls. ‘He DID have like help though innit’ replies LJ, ‘If it was one on one, I’d just get him like this’ he demonstrates his moves for Ed. ‘Interesting’ sniggers Ed, ‘what about Big Dave the Blacksmith? He soon pinned you down at church when you wanted to batter the big mouthed vicar.’ ‘Took me by surprise innit, both him and Terry the Hod Carrier are big blokes, but they’re outta shape like. I’d would like kill them both otherwise innit’ he karate chops the desk several times. ‘Ok then’ says Ed, ‘so you reckon you can batter Gaynor?’ ‘Innit’ replies LJ. ‘I’m sorry?’ questions Ed, ‘does ‘innit’ mean yes or no? I can call Gaynor now to see if she fancies a scrap?’ ‘Innit’ says LJ again, unable to make eye contact with Ed.
Wednesday, 21 August 2019
Paul’s still wetting the bed over the excitement of the last few weeks. First, he found out Harry Potter author, JK Rowling’s moving to his street! Second, she’s only invited him and his friends to lunch! The local vicar is quickly reading the Potter novels, despite previously condemning them and their pagan themes. Forever in pursuant of a meal ticket, he’s confessed to Gaynor, that if Joanne makes a lunge at him when she’s tanked up, that he won’t knock her back, despite her being a little longer in the tooth than his usual type. ‘I’m sure she’ll be desperate to get a man of your calibre in the sack’ encourages Gaynor, looking forward to the potential car crash this luncheon may promise. Over at the Rowling mansion, Joanne’s in Death Eater mode, placing several secret listening devices around the room,so she doesn’t miss any of the fantastic tales her guests may divulge during their stay. Gaynor already knows Joanne of old and what a story stealing scumbag she can be. So in cahoots with Pixie Lott, she’s prepared several wacky storylines, cobbled together ‘Just to have a bit of fun with the plagiarising old mare,’ Gaynor smiles, passing Pixie a Park Drive. At that point the vicar walks in wearing so much High Karate it causes the girls to cough. ‘Is it too much?’ asks the vicar. ‘Actually like’ reflects Pixie for a moment, ‘I thought you’d already drunk all your aftershave?’
Wednesday, 17 July 2019
It must be a month later when JK Rowling settles in her new home. The neighbours seem lovely, there’s Clive and Debbie Superkings next door and in the little shabby house at the end of the street, the fat one armed bloke who wears a toupee, Pete or Paul something, who takes in lodgers. Things take an interesting turn however, when Joanne clocks the unmistakable gait of her old roomie Gaynor, still strutting down the street like bloody Beyoncé Knowles. Gaynor’s accompanied by a tall blonde girl who could be Pixie Lott and trailing behind them are a tatty drunken vicar and Ed Sheeran??? Yes it’s Ed bloody Sheeran!! For the first time in months, Joanne is genuinely excited. Gaynor was always ‘writers gold’ in the old days. If Joanne ever hit writers block, it was the ‘real life adventures of Gaynor’ that help finish the chapter. Clearly, if Gaynor’s now hanging with such noted celebrities, her adventures must be twice as exciting than those in the past. I bet she’s got a least a mini series of stories to tell me she smirks to her clever self. She must arrange a soirée pronto she thinks, a luncheon perhaps so she can get rid of everyone early and then get to work producing her next best seller. She cackles to herself, just like Lord Voldemort.
Monday, 15 July 2019
Paul’s walking to the early shift at Kwik Save. As he passes Clive Superkings’ house, Clive calls him over with some exciting news. Later that day, Paul announces in the Dog & Gun, ‘Guess what? The Harry Potter author, JK Rowling’s only moving into the abandoned Georgian villa on OUR street!’ As the excitement dies down, Gaynor looking distinctly unimpressed mutters, ‘She owes me dearly, that girl.’ 'Who’s that dear?’ asks Paul. ‘Joanne bleedin’ Rowling!’ she replies, lighting a Park Drive and calling for hush. ‘It was the early ‘80’s’ she starts, poking the local vicar hard in the ribs to shut him up. Gaynor recalls how she met Joanne whilst working as a security guard at C & A, they’d shared a flat for a while. Outside work, Gaynor had her music and ballet classes and Joanne, her writing. ’Harry was one of my dancing teachers’ says Gaynor, ‘Joanne fancied the pants off him, but no matter how she tried to seduce him, he wasn’t interested in her.’ ‘Harry’s driving me potty’ the silly cow kept saying,’ laughs Gaynor, impersonating JK’s whinging voice. ‘So I said, there’s a name for the hero in your new book, ‘Harry Potty’. Gaynor then goes on for some time, suggesting that some of the storylines and plot twists, now immortalised in the Potter series, originated from her. ‘Even my bloody nickname at ballet class, ‘Bella La Strange!!!’ ended up in those bloody books!!’ ‘I never asked the cow for a penny,’ she slowly looks each of them in the eye, ‘even when the red tops came knocking, digging for dirt on her, I never said a pigging word.’ The vicar laughs, ‘Bella La Strange???’ Why have I never thought of that one? Anyway, have I told you about the time I met Charles Dickens on the way to Scarborough?’ ‘Who’s like Charles Dickens init?’ asks Pixie Lott.
Thursday, 20 June 2019
Mrs Patel next door, has decided to follow a plant based diet for the well being of the planet. Paul’s so impressed, he decides to follow suit, ‘After all,’ he thinks, ‘I’m not getting younger and the health benefits seem immense.’ As the house cook, he announces that after today’s rag pudding and chips, all meals will be meat and animal produce free. The local vicar is quick to express his outrage, ‘I don’t pay my ruddy rent to be fed bloody rabbit food!!!’ he snarls. Paul laughs sarcastically in reply, ‘You pay rent?? I’m glad you’ve remembered’ he pretends to tot up the many outstanding payments on his five stubby fingers. ‘What do you think Gaynor?’ the vicar looks for support from the semi-slumbering girl curled up on the sofa. In reply, Gaynor lifts a Park Drive to her lips and mutters ‘Yeh, whatever’ with her usual nap time disinterest. However, at lunchtime the following day, when Gaynor and Pixie Lott surface for their brunch, Gaynor requests in between bouts of her smokers cough, ‘A bacon sandwich for me Paul, nice and crispy with just a suggestion of brown sauce.’ ‘Sorry Gaynor,’ says Paul, ‘no meat remember? I’ve a beautiful mushroom recipe I got from the lending library if you fancy that?’ he adds hopefully. ‘Nar, save it for the do-gooders down the Church Paul’ she replies, ‘I’ll stick with a good old liquid lunch’ and pours a large slug of peach Thunderbird.
Monday, 17 June 2019
You’ll recall, old Mrs Dixon’s fish shop is the final hurdle preventing Ed Sheeran building his theme park on the high street. Paul’s made himself unpopular with Ed, by dragging Mrs Dixon away from his glossy sale’s pitch, just as she looked ready to sign her property over to him. Gaynor however, remains very popular with Ed, despite spurning his advances in Nando’s a while ago, but that’s a different tale for another time. When we left the scene, old Mrs Dixon had vanished from the fish shop and Paul’s led Gaynor and Pixie Lott towards the coal yard, owned by Mrs Dixon’s on / off shag Jack, where he thinks she’s taken refuge. As they reach the gates, Jack’s stood guard brandishing a garden fork sentry style. ‘No chance’ snarls Jack when he sees them approach, ‘you three can just turn around and sod off home right now.’ ‘So is like old Mrs Dixon here init?’ questions Pixie, attempting to disarm Jack with her beautiful smile. As Pixie diverts Jack with her lady charm notched up to 10, Gaynor and Paul backtrack just out of sight. Gaynor stands on Paul’s back scrambling to the top of the high perimeter fence. There, with her famous Kestrel like vision, she can make out Mrs Dixon bound and gagged in the office. The team regroup to share their intelligence, Pixie says ‘Jack’s barking init’ she giggles, ‘he said like, there’s no way ‘that dickhead Sheeran,’ she impersonates Jack, ‘is like knocking the town down init, to build ‘a sodding funfair’ like’ she pauses to laugh, ‘the unbelievable bit like, he’s keeping Old Mrs Dixon prisoner init, until she comes to her senses like init.’ ‘Hmmm,’ thinks Paul aloud, ‘I think just for once, Jack and I see eye to eye. Nobody’s getting passed him, the town is safe. They all cheerily wave to Ed who’s briskly walking the other way towards the coal yard carrying an expensive bouquet. ‘For me Ed??’ shouts Gaynor flirtatiously after him.
Friday, 24 May 2019
That night, Gaynor and Paul escort old Mrs Dixon to the fish shop door, reminding her to think long and hard about selling her shops to Ed Sheeran. Later over a few beers and Park Drive, Gaynor laughs that Paul will end up buried in the foundations of ‘Ed Sheeran World’, if he doesn’t stop acting as old Mrs Dixon’s conscience. ‘Nar,’ says Paul, ‘Ed’s more devious than murderous’ he laughs, ‘I suspect I’ll be called away on urgent business or something like that,’ he opens another bottle of beer. Sure enough, early next morning, Paul takes a call from a record company, claiming to be based in the Outer Hebrides. They’re desperate to meet him before he signs elsewhere! Can he set off immediately so they can discuss his future. ‘Sure’ Paul smiles to himself, ‘I’m on the way.’ He puts down the receiver and turns on the kettle. Four hours later when Gaynor and Pixie Lott get up, coughing over their first cigarettes, Paul recounts the details of the call. ‘Shit!! Init, OMG!! Ed’s really like serious isn’t he???’ says Pixie. ‘Deadly’ replies Paul, ‘we’d better get to old Mrs Dixon’s sharpish.’ However, two hours later, when the girls are ready, the fish shop is closed and there’s no sign of life in the upstairs flat. Across the road, Sheeran leans out of the tanning shop, ‘Where’s old Mrs Dixon today?’ ‘We’d better get to Jack’s coal yard’ whispers Paul to the girls and waving at Ed.