Thursday, 2 August 2018

The Attention Seekers - Episode 86

Paul’s noticed the local vicar’s on a massive charm offensive. He’s being ever so polite and helpful, he even made everyone breakfast this morning, sure it was only tea and toast, but it was a nice gesture. It means only one thing to Paul, it’s audit time and he has to make the Parish books balance for the Bishop. Last year, the vicar was a few hundred pounds light, after he blew the Spring Fair raffle receipts on a ‘slippery nipple’ party. Paul managed to sub him then, though this year, he suspects the shortfall maybe considerably more. Within minutes of them working through the accounts together, it’s apparent that he’s squandered all the cash from baptisms, weddings, funerals and every other Church event, even the weekly collection! Paul pushes back his chair to conclude his involvement, ‘There’s thousands missing’ he says staring hopelessly towards the vicar, ‘I don’t know what to suggest.’ ‘Well, Gaynor owes me thousands’ the vicar grabs at straws, ‘maybe it’s time to call that debt in?’ his voice shaking with the realisation of his dilemma. Through the open door of the lounge, they see a female hand briefly rise from the sofa in a two fingered salute. Paul smiles, ‘I don’t think she can help you on this occasion.’ ‘Maybe I can assist?’ the young voice of Ed Sheeran enters the room. ‘I have several associates in the money lending game’ he explains, ‘their interest rates are marginally above those of the high street banks, though the good news is...’ he adds with a smile, ‘subject to a brief medical, they’ll accept your internal organs as collateral.’ ‘Well that’s that sorted’ the vicar laughs in relief, ‘where do I sign Ed?’