Thursday, 19 July 2018

The Local Vicar - Episode 79

Traditionally, the village has celebrated St George’s Day with a game of medieval rules football. The red team and current champions, lead by Gaynor, defend the goal at the Dog & Gun, whereas the blue team lead by the Bishop, defend the goal at Kwik Save on the other side of town. Choosing the sides is always a painful experience for Paul, he’s always the last to be chosen, though he fully understands why Gaynor needs the likes of Big Dave the blacksmith and Terry the hod carrier, if she’s going to win the day. The teams are chosen and Gaynor leads her team in their chant ‘We’re going to bash the Bishop!! We’re going to bash the Bishop!!’ whilst making pertinent hand gestures towards the opposing team. Paul can only think that little has changed in this regard since Agincourt. The local vicar and the Bishop in reply, lead the blue team in a rousing chrous of ‘Build a bonfire, build a bonfire, put Wilson on the top!! Put her red team in the middle and burn the bloody lot!! It’s time for kick off, Gaynor smiles through her gum shield, full of snakebite and a full English breakfast, courtesy of the Dog & Gun. Her packet of Park Drive wedged tightly up her t shirt sleeve. The local vicar who’s keen to avoid the punch up of the initial scrum, suggests to new boy Ed Sheeran, that he stands just ahead of him, so he gets the best view of the ‘celebrated opening ceremony’. Pixie Lott who’s ended up on Gaynor’s team, is ill advisedly stood next to Gaynor, dressed in one of her nicest spring frocks. She was heard to say ‘Oh my!!!!’ when the starting whistle was blown and a sea of bodies engulfed her like a high speed train crash.