Wednesday, 18 July 2018

The Local Vicar - Episode 78

It’s the day of the Church spring picnic and Paul and several volunteers from the Parochial Church Council, have spent the morning putting up bunting on the village green and erecting tents, stalls and a small stage. Paul’s trying to gee up the local vicar, this event might just save this parish from closure, given all the scandal that’s surrounded it and the ever dwindling congregation. To this end, Paul’s arranged a musical interlude, to help boost attendance. It features the local talents of Gaynor, Pixie Lott and Ed Sheeran. Together they’ve formed an urban, grime, drum and bass, rap trio, just for today and it seems to be attracting plenty of attention. Paul asks the musicians if they can watch their P’s and Q’s, after all this is a family occasion and it’s not a place for expletive littered lyrics, no matter how ‘real’ or ‘true’ they are. They confer momentarily and he watches as Ed reluctantly crosses the first song off the set list, called ‘F*** the Police.’ ‘And......’ continues Paul, ‘I don’t want to be a killjoy, but.....there’s going to be lots of small children bobbing about, so.......can we avoid anything that’s too sexually explicit please?’ Again the group confer before Gaynor pipes up ‘Paul? Is ‘Take me from behind, hard and fast’ too sexually explicit for today then??’ ‘Hhhhhmmmm.......maybe a tad Gaynor’ replies Paul smiling, ‘it’s not something we’d want the playgroup children singing along to is it.’ Paul’s about to walk away but turns on his heel, he knows they’ve prepared three songs for today, which they’re currently revising with tunes from Ed’s busking set. He doesn’t want another scandal, the Church is already on the endangered list and the Bishop, his toffee nosed wife and all their brown nosing wannabe friends will be here today. ‘Ok kids’ Paul asks, ‘Just out of interest, what’s the final song on your set list...?? ‘It’s not called ‘Christianity’s dead’ or ‘Jesus, didn’t exist’ is it?? The three musicians look at each other, smiling, ‘No Paul’ starts Ed ‘It’s a trad cover that we’re going to rap together.....’All things bright and beautiful.’