Tuesday, 17 July 2018

The Local Vicar - Episode 77

Ever since Ed Sheeran’s got into rapping, he’s really embraced the gangsta lifestyle and now seemingly has an underworld contact for everything and everyone. Because it really impresses the ladies, it’s starting to annoy the local vicar, who wants to be the alpha male, or ‘big swinging dick’ as he eloquently puts it. For instance, when Paul remembers his passport is due to expire, Ed claims he can get Paul a ‘no questions asked’, brand new passport, from an associate he’s met round the back of the Arndale. No tedious forms to fill in, no patronising, slow as shit civil servants to suffer, just £65.00 cash down and Bob’s your uncle, Fanny’s your aunt etc. Obviously Paul thanks Ed for his kind offer, but doubts as a British citizen, there’ll be an issue with an application for a renewal passport. ‘Yeh! It’s just a renewal dickhead’ reinforces the vicar aggressively, laughing at Ed. Likewise when Gaynor and Pixie Lott temporarily fall out, over who should be dating fit Kevin at Kwik Fit, Ed approaches them individually, offering services to have the other hospitalised, or even ‘wiped out’ completely. There’s a sliding scale of fees depending on the injury inflicted and again, the back of the Arndale seems to be the hub of the fool’s paradise he mentions in dispatches. Pixie politely refuses Ed’s offer, after all it’s just a spat about a boy init, they’ll probably both go out with Kevin and dump him within a week she laughs. Gaynor however, who’s already furious about the row with her mate, grabs Ed by the nether regions until he’s reduced to a cowering wreck on the floor. She reminds the ginger tosser that the only person who needs protection whilst she’s around, is him. The local vicar just loves this, whilst standing slightly south of Gaynor’s reach himself, he laughs at Ed and gloats about what a pillock Sheeran is! That night as the vicar makes his way to chair the Parochial Church Council meeting, there are several strange scruffy teenagers sat on the Church wall. He can’t help but notice their ‘town’ accents and when one of them follows him, mimicking his walk in a way he finds intimidating, he panics thinking his good natured joshing of Sheeran has bruised the soft gets ego a little too much. Thirty minutes later, Paul receives a phone call from old Mrs Dixon, apparently the vicar’s gone mad! He’s locked himself in the vestry and is refusing to come out. Through his jabbering, panicking and crying via the keyhole, Mrs Dixon seems to think the vicar said the pop star??? Ed Sheeran??? has taken out a contract on him??? and he’s repeating, he’s a f***ing dead man???