Monday, 9 July 2018
The Local Vicar - Episode 71
Gaynor has always been a huge fan of the chippy. Her order is fish, chips, peas, gravy, a meat pie on the side and a can of Tizer. There’s never a scrap left, she even runs a finger across the tray and mops up the last of the gravy. Many have accepted Gaynor’s chippy challenge, to finish their food before she does, but she remains undefeated by all comers to date. Ed Sheeran is the new boy who thinks it’s quite comical this Kylie sized woman, stands any sort of a chance against him in chippy eating stakes. The local vicar will act has referee, he’s not the best choice, but Paul’s working a double shift at Kiwk Save. Round 1 - chips with optional peas and gravy. Ed shows good form against the champion, but there’s no time for him to study technique, this is against the clock. However, he thinks she must have tonsils like asbestos to be able to demolish a plate of hot chips so quickly. He notes her liberal use of peas and gravy to cool the chips. Round 2 - fish, king size cod. Already Ed’s losing vital seconds, his chips are repeating on him, whereas Gaynor’s using Tizer to break down the heavily battered fish. Ed’s performs poorly in this round, he says he used too much salt. Not all’s lost though, he’s hoping to recover his position in the final round. However, he’s beginning to see that Gaynor’s a true professional and that his drunken uni lad bravado, is far from cutting the mustard against her. Round 3 - meat pie, the plate cleaner. The pie is a standard Holland’s meat pie, deadly because of it’s thick pastry and nuclear hot runny fat content. It’s known to have incinerated the mouth of even the most seasoned pie eating veteran. Just before the start of this round, disaster strikes for Ed, when he commits a foul by slurping at his Tizer outside the timed rounds. He incurs a time penalty and seeing as he has more peas and gravy left than Gaynor, it looks like she’ll romp home anyway. It is however the slicing of the pie to release its toxic heat that wins the day for Gaynor. The vicar later describes it as poetry in motion down the Dog & Gun. Gaynor’s always modest in victory, a quick chorus of ‘You’re shit and you know you are’ and she’s happy.