Wednesday, 20 June 2018

The Local Vicar - Episode 62

Gaynor’s goldfish ‘Charlie’ seems almost indestructible. Paul reminds her weekly to clean his tank, but inevitably it’s him who changes the water about once a month and scrubs the tank clean. Whilst Paul cleans the fish out, he puts Charlie in the bath and the ancient fish zips around enjoying his temporary ocean sized surroundings. To add to the excitement, the local vicar will take off his socks and shoes and with his trousers rolled up, he’ll chase Charlie around the bath, his discoloured toe nails wriggling like heads of a nicotine stained sea monster. Like a dick, he’ll also flick the ash from his Park Drive into the water, making the noise of a depth charge type explosion upon impact. ‘If you kill Charlie’ warns Paul, scrubbing away at the fish slime, ‘Gaynor will rip your head off and mount it on the Church gates as a warning to others’. ‘Haha’ laughs the vicar ‘imagine the Terry and June style adventure we’d have, trying to find a replacement at the pet shop, so she’d never ever know. ‘Hey....’ continues the vicar ‘can you save me some of that shitty fish water from the tank, so I can put it in the Bishop’s tea next time he’s here?’ ‘Sure’ says Paul dismissively, ‘I put it next to the cat droppings you found in the garden, that you want to save for his sandwiches.’