Thursday, 14 June 2018

The Local Vicar - Episode 58

Gaynor and Pixie Lott monopolise Paul’s bathroom these days. Over the last few months, it’s become littered with girl’s paraphernalia, like scented candles, clean dry towels and bottles and tubes of brightly coloured potions that make it smell ‘like a bloody tart’s boudoir’ as the local vicar eloquently puts it. The girls have also asked Paul to fix a lock on the door; the vicar ‘accidentally’ barging in on Pixie because he’s ‘desperate’ for the toilet, seems to happen all too often. ‘You’re desperate for something, you mucky old get’ laughs Gaynor, giving him a Chinese burn, a dead leg and a poke in the eye for good measure. Sometimes there’ll be a blood curdling scream, when a massive hairy spider is discovered proudly holding court in the bath. Thankfully both girls are too scared to try and wash the magnificent beast down the plughole and Paul is called in to catch the intruder in a pint pot and release it onto the window sill outside. During these episodes Paul will sing the refrain to ‘Born Free’ by Matt Munro, followed by ‘There was an old lady who swallowed a spider, that wriggled and wiggled and tiggled inside her...’ ‘Dick.....’ mutters Gaynor to Pixie, pulling heavily on her Park Drive.