Monday, 23 April 2018

The Local Vicar - Episode 33

It’s Monday, Gaynor wonders why all the boys who chat her up on holiday claim to be airline pilots? Clearly most of them don’t seem capable of riding a bike or even walking in a straight line in some cases. Pixie simply has to confirm she’s Pixie Lott, that’s usually enough to send the boys scurrying away, whispering and giggling to their accomplices ‘See, I told yer.....’ Back home, Paul’s cleaning the bathroom for the first time in ages. When Gaynor’s home she treats it like her office, a bit like the Fonz in ‘Happy Days’, so it’s usually out of bounds to Paul and his Toilet Duck. Today Paul’s hindered by the local vicar, he’s gone a bender this weekend so he can’t go more than 10 minutes before he has to ‘occupy’ the room. Back in Megaruff Magaluff, Gaynor and Pixie have resolved to stay sober just for one night, instead they’re off to the Karaoke competition they've seen advertised in town. So they’re aren’t rumbled as professionals, they plan to wear disguises, thick glasses, buck teeth, bad wigs, ‘All the ingredients for a good night out’ smiles Gaynor.

Friday, 20 April 2018

The Local Vicar - Episode 32

It’s day three of the Magaluf trip and the girls are flat out after 72 hours of non stop partying. Whilst Gaynor would never admit it to Pixie Lott, she’s already a little homesick. Back in England tonight’s tea is Paul’s special corned beef hash, her favourite. The thought of another greasy Mackie D’s or KFC fried chicken/rat bucket, is making her retch. About this time at home, she’d be sparring with the local vicar over the last Park Drive, they’d be studying the form at Chepstow, Doncaster and York, trying to turn a few quid at the bookies to spend later at the Dog & Gun. The vicar may be a stinky, thieving, cockeyed, good for nothing man of the cloth, but they do have a laugh she smiles to herself. There’s been lots of fun with Pixie this week as well, yesterday they challenged a hen party from Leeds, to a ‘who can drink the most blue WKD contest’. That was such a mess, nobody knows who won, nobody cared! Now her liver aches at the prospect of more abuse. Her phone vibrates, it’s a message from Paul, ‘Me and Vic just checking in to make sure u’re still alive. Hope u’re having it large xxx’. It makes her feel a little better, whilst Paul is a drippy, spineless, no balls, poetry writing sort of geek, there are worst weirdos out there she thinks. Pixie turns in her sleep and breaks wind like a trooper, the memory of fried chicken, happy meals and blue WKD becomes a reality again, Gaynor rushes to the toilet.

Thursday, 19 April 2018

The Local Vicar - Episode 31

It’s Thursday and Pixie Lott’s celebrating news of a DJ’ing gig she’s landed in Magaluf. She’s allowed a ‘plus one’, so she’s asked Gaynor to accompany her for two sun drenched, fun filled weeks. Gaynor’s official role is ‘personal assistant to Miss Lott’ though unofficially, she’s been hired for her Ashton under Lyne street fighting skills and ability to party, really hard. Gaynor’s on cloud 9, she’s been chanting ‘Megaruff! Magaluf!’ all afternoon whilst packing the suitcase Paul got from Help the Aged. He’s also managed to bung her a few quid spending money from his Post Office Savings Account, after all its not like he’ll be going away this year, or anytime soon, though one condition, bring the local vicar back 100 duly free Park Drive, he’s been sulking ever since the trip’s been announced. ‘Right’ says Paul sitting on the suitcase to close it, ‘where’s your passport?’ ‘Errr....’ replies Gaynor, ‘You are joking aren’t you?’ says Paul with a serious look, ‘Course I am dickhead’ laughs Gaynor ‘Megaruff!Magaluf!’

Wednesday, 18 April 2018

The Locar Vicar - Episode 30

It’s Tuesday, Gaynor’s been chatting to Pixie Lott all morning. She’s decided she’s not going to see Ed Sheeran a second time; he’s too ‘arty’ she explains, the type who’ll chop his own ear off and stick it in the post, like that dickhead artist, Rembrandt. Gaynor likes a man with a dirty blue collar and a gleam in his eye; the smell of whisky on his breath and an unquestionable devotion to his bloodhound. ‘Most of us dream of a man like that’ sighs Paul, ‘It’s certainly not me’ admits Ed, checking the time of his next bus.

Tuesday, 17 April 2018

The Local Vicar - Episode 29

Some love is written across the stars, preordained and just waiting for the right moment to catch us unawares. That’s the type of love Ed Sheeran writes about in his songs and he hopes his oily and ginger charm will work on Gaynor tonight, when he takes her to Nando’s for dinner. ‘Gaynor, I’m in love with the shape of you’ slimes Ed as they walk towards the restaurant. ‘Aw Ed, that’s nice’ replies Gaynor pulling on her Park Drive, ‘but you might not be in love with the smell of me, when I’ve had ten pints and last nights Tandoori starts to filter through the old tail pipe eh? Haha.’ Back at the house, Paul’s Monopoly marathon is in full swing, Pixie Lott’s sat in for Gaynor and she’s shown a surprising entrepreneurial flair, with hotels on all the prime addresses, making her pretty unbeatable. The local vicar’s suffering the boredom of sobriety and like a child he resorted to cheating to avoid Pixie stealing the day. As a result, Paul’s been appointed banker to try and restore order. At Nando’s Ed’s ready to make his move on Gaynor with his killer line no girl can resist, ‘Gaynor, we found love right where we are’ ‘What in Nando’s????’ laughs Gaynor.

Monday, 16 April 2018

The Local Vicar - Episode 28

It’s Saturday morning and Gaynor’s doing her head turning strut through the precinct. Outside Rumbelows she clocks Pixie Lott and Ed Sheeran busking ‘The Deadwood Stage’ from ‘Calamity Jane’. Pixie smiles when she sees Gaynor and the two girls embrace and exchange pleasantries. ‘Ed seems to have a bit of a thing for you init’ says Pixie ‘he wants to know if you’ll go to Nando’s like and maybe catch a movie up the multiplex tonight?’ Gaynor rolls her eyes at Pixie and they both glance at Ed, whose now reached the final chorus ‘Whip crack away, whip crack away, whip crack awayyyy’. ‘I thought you and him......?’ says Gaynor gesticulating appropriately, ‘Shit no!!’ laughs Pixie, ‘That’s so 2017 like, ancient history init’ and both girls start to laugh which Ed thinks is probably a good sign. ‘Dohhh!’ says Gaynor thinking aloud, ‘I promised to stay in tonight and play Monopoly with Paul and the local vicar, Paul’s trying to help the vicar stay out of the pub and dry out. He won’t mind though, I’ll tell him a white lie, he believes everything I say’ ‘What shall I tell like Ed? says Pixie ‘Tell him yeh, but I don’t want him writing any of those sappy love songs about me’ ‘Init’ replies Pixie.

Tuesday, 10 April 2018

The Local Vicar - Episode 27

It’s Friday 2AM, Paul retired to bed several hours before and is enjoying a deep dreamless sleep despite the party raging downstairs. On the edge of his consciousness, he detects the landing light go on outside his room and the sounds of feet racing up the stairs. Suddenly Gaynor’s stood by the side of the bed ‘Wakey, wakey Paulus’ she croons, ‘Yes dear, what is it?’ he replies sitting up, attempting to sound more concerned than annoyed. ‘Can you loan Ed a tenner for a taxi? His mum won’t collect him cause he said he was staying over at Pixie’s house, but she got freaked out by the local vicar when he threw up on her, so she stormed off.’ ‘Lending Ed Sheeran a tenner!’ mutters Paul more in disbelief that anything else ‘there’s money in the jar in the cupboard’ he adds ‘but don’t tell the vicar, that’s to pay the bills!’ Whilst Gaynor rummages in the cupboard, a ginger head pops around the door ‘Thanks Gaynor’s Dad’ he says.

Monday, 9 April 2018

The Local Vicar - Episode 26

Since the release of the Wilson McGladdery album on Tuesday, Gaynor’s been mobbed in the street on a couple of occasions, mostly by gangs of lusty young men demanding the attentions of the attractive chanteuse. Pixie Lott’s called round to help Gaynor deal with the mostly unwanted attention arising from her new found fame. ‘Look Gaynor’ says Pixie ‘you can’t batter all your fans init. You’ve gotta be all respectful like or they won’t buy your songs init.’ Gaynor’s rubbing her knuckles after her latest altercation outside Ethel Austin with the local vicar. She blacked both his eyes after he threatened to sell his story to the red tops if she didn’t stump up half her cash. Gaynor laughs ‘He looked a little deflated when I told the waster to get a leg on, otherwise he’d be last in the queue at the Sunday Sport to sell his story about me’. ‘Init’ replies Pixie.

Friday, 6 April 2018

The Locar Vicar - Episode 25

‘So your album with Gaynor’s on iTunes tomorrow is it?’ asks the local vicar fishing in his usual matter. ‘That’s right, 23rd’ replies Paul proudly. ‘So when do you get your royalties then?’ He continues. ‘If and when anyone buys it’ explains Paul laughing. ‘Soon then.........?’ ‘Fingers crossed eh? Do you want to buy anything today?’ asks Paul, glancing passed the vicar and down the aisle of Kwik Save and the line of customers and their trolleys waiting patiently for Paul’s check out. ‘Lend us a fiver?’ the vicar asks Terry the Kwiky security guard as he escorts him from the property.

Thursday, 5 April 2018

The Local Vicar - Episode 24

Some of the ladies at Church have decided to put together a choir and knowing that Paul has dabbled in music, they’ve asked him to act as their conductor. Naturally Paul is flattered and delighted to accept, despite the comments of the local vicar and Gaynor, who howl with laughter at the news of his appointment and suggest Paul would be a better bus conductor or more useful as a lightning conductor. Undeterred by their comments, It soon becomes apparent to Paul that whilst the members of the choir can hold a tune, there’s no natural soloist amongst them. He deliberates whether to ask Gaynor who has a delightful alto voice and often sings in the mornings in between Park Drives, though her choice of material would have to change, the Church ladies wouldn’t be interested in ‘gangsta rapping’. There’s also Pixie Lott whose round the house a lot now. She and Gaynor claim to be working on an album together in Gaynor’s bedroom and are recording themselves singing into a cassette recorder left over from the last Church jumble sale. Occasionally they’ll excitedly bring their tunes to Paul for comment and he does his best to encourage them though he doesn’t understand the majority of the expletive littered lyrics and the references to guns, violence and drug abuse ‘in da city’. Now the Church ladies want to sing some Carpenters songs, that’s real music.